Do you know if you’re a sheep or a wolf in life? Most people won’t be able to answer this question. Or they’ll call the question stupid. Now if you’ve read my story you know that I’d had some major struggles in life but there is actually more.
I didn’t give you the whole story; there happened a lot more in my life prior to my depression.
Ever since I was a kid I felt like there was something different about me than the others. Like most guys, I didn’t care about education but I couldn’t tell you why I hated it. I was wandering cluelessly through life and didn’t realize it.
Not a high school musical: being a sheep
I was gaming a lot until I reached the age of 16. Due to this excessive gaming, I didn’t have many friends. My social skills were far from great. I had troubles when I needed to talk to girls. Most guys had a relationship but I was just chasing them and didn’t succeed. My lacking social skills and low self-esteem were holding me back. I’m lucky that I know better now.
I was bullied in high school because I wasn’t able to stand up for myself. A classmate hated me just because I was supporting a rival soccer team. He didn’t even know me but that was his drive to bully me. This guy enjoyed the fact that he could humiliate me over and over again.
This kept on going for a while until he reached the point where I was really sick of his behavior. I stood up once and it felt great. Well, atleast until he dominated me physically so I was back to nothing.
Becoming a wolf instead of a sheep
I knew something had to change but I didn’t know how to do it. The how is the most important part and that’s why people keep focusing on it. It’s like staring at a blank wall waiting for its color to change. Nothing will happen because you need to paint the wall.
I was lucky that I had suddenly lost interest in gaming; suddenly I got more spare time to practice sports. I always wanted to play soccer but my parents didn’t want it. Eventually, they decided to let me go for a trial because I kept on nagging.
I had to join guys who were older than me because I was born in December. They were already working, in college or in university while I was still in high school. They looked a lot more mature than me.
Those guys were the “I do drugs and feel cool guys”, you really had to prove yourself to be part of the group. I didn’t feel like I had to prove myself, I didn’t care about those guys. They all thought they were that though but they mostly looked like a big joke. They were all making the same mistakes and didn’t learn anything about it.
I didn’t take too long before I became an outcast in the team. They hated me because I was quiet but easily could play soccer. I decided to become smarter at a certain point. I stopped showing what I was able to and they stopped giving me hard tackles.
They had won, I wasn’t feeling happy anymore because they literally took away the joy of the sport that I loved the most.
The knee injury: a walk through hell
Suddenly we had to play a game against our B- team and I was like this is my chance to show what I was made off. My trainer told me that I had to play as a midfielder due to an injury in the team.
I played the game of my life and both coaches couldn’t deny that I was worthy to become a starting player. It was the first time in two years that my coach complimented me.
But at the end, something unexpected happened. I felt a horrible pain in my knee when I shot on target. I wasn’t able to move my leg; at that point, I realized that I would be out for a long time.
I was injured for two years and it was a depressing period, I’ve lost friends because I wasn’t able to go out. People started relationships but the only thing I cared about was recovering. There was really nothing else on my mind. I wanted to be pain-free again.
I was sick of resting all the time so after a year and a half, I decided to get a gym membership. Finally, I had found a sport that gave me a new kind of thrill. I gave up soccer and never went back.
The first setback: dealing with disappointment
But what about school? In high school, my grades were far from great. Most kids get support after high school but that wasn’t the case here. My dad didn’t want me to go to college. You’re not made for college he said. You’re better off if you look for a job right away. It will save us and you lots of trouble.
Luckily my social skills had improved so in college I made a lot more friends. It could be due to the fact that I stopped taking relative, those pills turned me into a zombie.
So you were confident in college?
Nope, I had some strong developed social skills which made me able to hide it.
Repainting the walls
The depression in college was my wake up call. Suffering from a depression and low testosterone levels weren’t normal for a guy at my age. At that age, you need to be happy and full of testosterone.
This became the biggest turning point in my life. I wasn’t staring at a blank wall anymore; I took a bucket of paint and did what I had to do. The color didn’t matter it was the change that mattered. I threw a whole bucket at the wall and witnessed a complete change. I probably repainted the wall more than a 1000 times now but it works over and over again.
When you hit rock bottom everything is better than staying there.
Suddenly I unleashed my real potential and suddenly I realized that I was a follower my whole life.
I have been a fucking sheep for 22 years, just like the rest. It was easy to follow the herd and I didn’t mind it for 22 years. I was afraid to take another direction in life. Ambition was a word I’d never heard of. All my dreams were crushed as soon as I shared them with the world in this period of time.
To follow or not to follow: that’s the question
When you suddenly become crazy ambitious you have to make a choice either you stay a sheep or you become a wolf.
The sheep gives up on his goals and ambition so he can stay a part of the big group. He’s afraid to share his dreams and is afraid to fail. He shares the opinion of others even if he doesn’t agree.
A wolf always hunts alone but he gets what he wants, he doesn’t follow anyone. He picks a target and that target becomes his meal. So I had a life goal and I would do anything to get it.
My friends went to parties on Friday and/or Saturday while I was typing in my room.
I went out once a week and sometimes I didn’t go out. Suddenly I lost interest in parties, not that I don’t like to party anymore but I didn’t need it every week anymore. I still don’t miss the endless parties.
I suddenly realized that going to party’s wrecks up your bank account and sleep.
My friends started to ask me questions because I always said I had to work if I stayed at home.
“Do you work for school on a Friday night? You’re crazy!!” I’ve heard that sentence a million times but I kept going.
Now they know what I’ve been working on all this time and they support me. They saw me less than usual but they stayed in touch the whole time, I guess they knew that I was working on something that I really liked. I still lost friends but in the end, all the real ones stayed and I’ve met some new great people along the way.
A new insight
It’s a big step when you go from being a sheep to a wolf. Suddenly you need to deal with “loneliness”. I don’t get that many text messages as I used to but I really don’t care about a while. It was hard in the beginning but you get used to it. After a while, you start to feel free and happier than before. Time went by and I suddenly got a wolf pack. I became surrounded by people with ambition, people that want to work hard to smash their goals.
Suddenly I realized that the blank wall was part of a house, a house with an extremely strong foundation. Strong enough to take a hit when the sheep passed by to hit on peoples ambitions.
Suddenly I realized why I always felt different than other people, I wasn’t happy with my role as a sheep but I didn’t realize I could become a wolf.
Nobody tells you can become better and the ones who try are treated like pariahs. Those people become afraid and give it all up to get back to their boring old lives. They get back because they can’t cope with the endless rejection. They stay unhappy for the rest of their life and do stupid things due to this feeling.
The sheep point you at their own limitations and proclaim them to be yours. So I looked at these limits and placed them far behind me without ever looking back to them.
I mean I used to watch a lot of porn, a video game for hours, get into trouble in school… Society was cool with the fact that I didn’t accomplish anything in life.
The herd is already packed with sheep so get out and never go back.
One ride on the rollercoaster
We’ve got one life, one ride on the rollercoaster… It’s doesn’t matter how you label it because we only get one chance. Ask yourself a simple question before you take your next decision. Look in a mirror and ask yourself: is this the person that I want to be? Ask yourself: are you a wolf or a sheep?
Become hungry for more.
Stand out and howl at the moon.
Be a wolf and smash those goals.
Till next time
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